Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
