Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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