his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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