I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
