i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
