he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
