Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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