The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
