respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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