Ambien. No doubt about it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
