ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
