I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
