my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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