I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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