I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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