You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
