I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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