Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
