I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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