why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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