Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Drake has all the answers
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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