Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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