Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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