I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
