Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
