Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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