I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
