What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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