I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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