Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
