we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
