I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
