Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
