Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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