I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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