When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
