from now on my penis is your penis
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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