I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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