hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize