I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
