i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
