It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
