I accidentally had phone sex last night
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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