For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
