Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
