I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
