Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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