Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
