I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
