I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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