I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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