my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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