; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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