In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
