Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
