Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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