I just cut my nipple shaving
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
