his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
