my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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